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25 Mar 05
Pâques
Is it called “Good Friday“ in English? To celebrate rather than to mourn. Here in Finland, we mourn. “Friday Mourning“ was on the back of “I Have Forgiven Jesus“, by the way.

I'm in Vasa and I need a confessor, right here. I do not mourn for any particular reason. It's just that I've been like this forever and I'd like to change. But then again, I've always wanted to change in a way or another.

I don't even want to know exactly why I'm like this, if it can't help me. I don't mind “just“ getting better. I don't have to know everything. I've said that I need someone to sort of lift me up, but I honestly believe that it can't be done. That said, I still wish that someone could tell me what to do. Don't they know or haven't I asked?

I've learned many songs. Last night, I volunteered to practise guitar with my father. He is a proud member of Gubbrockarna and had me to play the following songs: Song learned #18: Alannah Myles – “Black Velvet“. Song learned #19: The Beatles – “Can't Buy Me Love“. Song learned #20: The Small Faces – “All or Nothing“. I don't like that velvet song at all. Is there anyway to unlearn songs?

Then, today, I recorded a demo of a song called “Con Man“. Haven't decided upon the name, “Confidence Man“ sounds strange, but that's what it means. Don't know if the others like it, and I have to say I'm getting a bit tired of it, as I've played it over and over again for many months. The song I recorded yesterday, “Folding Bedsheets“, was a bit newer. I think it will be good, but the demo was far too slow. Song learned #21: Love – “Andmoreagain“. There's one note I truly despise in this song. I remember I said it to Ville a long time ago, but he just answered “one gets used to it“. I guess I have, but I don't like it.

I thought about my very own model for my very own state of mind, too. It consists of a plane divided into four fields by two axes (?). One axis is “Safety“ (S) and the other is “Boredom (Excitement)“ (B). So, field 1 (f1) is where you are below both the B and the S axis. You are, so to say, bored as well as unsafe. That's very bad. Field 2 (f2) is where you are below the S axis but over the B axis. That means, in f2, you are not bored, but you are unsafe. This is where I get today, when I try to do something. But were I spend most of my time, somewhere around 98% nowadays, is in Field 3. This is where you are over the B axis i.e. safe, but under the S axis, which means you're bored. Work out the rest for yourselves. So, now my usual plea, in a different form (Mattias=M): I wish

(Mb>0 & Ms>0)
written by Mattias
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