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06 Jun 05
The only time I save myself from shame... when I don't mind my treacherous heart.

So much to discuss with myself. First, I forgot to tell, “Cold Hands“ spoke to me, clearly. My grandfather popped in on a visit, like he always does. He can't be bothered to tell us in advance. Anyway, he thinks he knows everything and I feel so ashamed wanting to sort of challenge him. I don't want to feel obligated to be one in his family line. My mother mentioned my essay, but clearly he knew everything about the subject already. When I pointed out something, he adopted the point as his own, although he had previously said something completely different. Goddammit. “Yes, that's fine, one day you'll be something“. Old man, what are you thinking? I'm nothing like him and I pray I won't be. So smart, cold and cynical, he's poison to me.

Okay, now for the real story. I wen't to DOM and sat there alone until Tina and her sister happened to walk in. Then came Johnny, Anna, Saija and Tuire. My plan was to go to Papin Nenä to see the Bullets, because I was kind of interested to see how it was. The thing is, my childhood friend Marcus plays in the band and I heard he was a good singer. So we went there and I got to talk with Jan L, my man. He's really special and when he described himself in the car with “Higher Grounds“, I almost shed a tear.

Anyway, the Bullets played, and what can I say? He sang great, sure. The clichés were there, in abundance. In fact, I can't think of anything about the band that wasn't either a rock pose or a fallen Place2Go member. I have to say I was quite impressed when I saw how good Macke actually was as a rock singer. At some point, however, one gets tired of mindless cock rock. For me, this happens in an instance. But it was quite entertaining, nonetheless. I just couldn't help thinking that if people go for this, then there's absolutely no place for us. Wicked, WICKED!

I often feel that people look at me and when someone confirms this, I get somewhat cocky. I go there, trying to look cool and troubled, thinking I must look rather hot. Jan said, a couple of times “Wow, she's totally checking you out (haha). You're crazy, do something“. Oh dear! I knew I could NOT. I felt so misplaced, but couldn't help that I wanted to play dangerously tonight. No, that's totally the wrong expression. What I meant was, I just felt like I always feel, inclined to try and remake the mistakes. I felt so ashamed, although I didn't do anything and I knew I couldn't.

So.. I noticed someone who looked my way all the time. They were just about to close and I thought “Okay, just as an experiment“. So I stood there and waited. Finally, she came over and said that I probably noticed her looking at me. I got nervous, of course, and said something that I can't remember. We talked a while and she was in fact rather fascinating, but I already felt that I was way out of line, especially when she asked about some sort of afterparty. I had already predicted that the excitement would be replaced with fear, and so it happened. Jan pretended to be mad at me for not wanting to do anything. Ekin said I should come to the afterparty. I shivered. But somehow I felt I had to go, just to prove myself worthy of anything. It was what I feared most, so I should just try, he explained.

Then, another problem appeared. Miika said “I won't succumb to that“ when Ekin asked if he would join the party. “Succumb to what“, I asked? “No, nothing.“ I insisted he'd tell me. “Well, Miika and I are 24 years old. To party with 18 year old girls is quite dubious“. I fell to pieces. My god, what was this? Suddenly I felt I was part of a crime, too, as I hadn't had enough problems before that.

But I went, involuntarily playing the role of the gentleman. I mean, I'm not used to this sort of behaviour, really. Not that there's probably anything wrong with it, but I sensed the lack of respect for everything living all over Vasa.

So we stayed there, for maybe an hour and a half, not doing anything in particular. I didn't talk much, mostly listening to Jan. I talked with that girl for a while. And when they were acting shamelessly, she looked at me. I looked back, like I understood. What more could I do? So, everybody went home. She was not from here, so she slept at a friends place and I said goodbye so politely. Probably never see her again, but does it really matter?

So, should I feel proud, ashamed or disappointed? What were my intentions? What were the expectations? How do they do it? I just can't. Self-praise for “Never Land Here“, thanks. Should I try again? I'm getting tired. I wan't to talk with Ville.

Well, there's more to it, but the essence is where. And friday and saturday was very much alike. Thanks, everybody, anyway. Jan, Ekin, my heart goes out to you.
written by Mattias
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