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29 Jun 05
Balance?
What about balance? I'm having trouble accepting I'm weaker, more unexperienced and insecure in some areas of life, just because I feel strong, capable and confident in others. This is certainly not good, as it puts me in a state where I constantly swing from feeling inept to feeling extraordinarily competent. Should I strive for a more balanced view of myself? It's funny how people seem to think I'm not vain in particular. But I am, and I just die for people to look at me. But maybe it's just not in an obvious way. Anyway, I think about it a lot. Whenever you see me looking like I'm thinking really hard on some complicated issue, I'm probably just wondering just how I should act now to look the best in front of people. And then when people say to me something like “oh, you dance well“, they think that's probably what I need to hear, because I look so uncomfortable and sad. At that point I am uncomfortable and probably sad, but compliments on my looks are still not what I need! It's what I want, but not what I need. It's most certainly like a drug to me, and I feel it will take me to heights to then let me crash really hard. I feel balance will eventually be achieved, and if I'm really high, a heavy crash will be inevitable. I am afraid of that.

And what about this? I always feel that whenever I'm ahead of my thoughts, feeling well, but not able to express why, balance will come and catch me. Right now, I'm in a situation like that. I can't explain why I haven't been feeling the anxiety that's sort of mandatory for me before a trip, so now I'm just waiting for the big breakdown. The more I'm waiting and wondering, the more likely it feels like it actually will come.

I have long planned to make a list of things I should do not before I go, but when I'm there. Not which places to visit or something like that, but more of like a list of good thoughts, ideas, strategies that can easily be forgotten in a whirlwind of anxiety. I will wear it in my chest pocket, so it'll be with me all the time. Whenever I feel like I'm losing control, I will read a suitable portion of my list. Aloud! No, not aloud.

“You can't be so sure
Assertiviness never got you anywhere
Not anywhere
So I say to you
Be honest and be loyal
See what faith can do
What faith can do“

Thank you, Lawrence. Now that's what I need. I think.

I have to do this, as I will forget it. The lyrics for Kirsty McColl's “Autumngirlsoup“ is about the two major things in my life that seem to create anxiety, love and food. Strangely though, the lyrics seem just amusing to me. Notice the complete overload of food metaphors. I don't really know what to think of this.

I’m an autumn girl, flying over london
With the trees on fire it looks like home
I’m an autumn girl on the endless search for summer
[*now first hint of what to come*]
Cause I need some love to cook my frozen bones
[*continuing*]
You needed something to get your teeth into
And in my voodoo kitchen you said
I’ve got something to show you,
It’s a recipe handed down from father to son
For a thousand years, and it goes with those hot salt tears.
[*okay, we are still in a decent area here.*]

I’m an autumn girl, crying over london
With a heart on fire but no-one home
I’m an autumn girl on the endless search for summer
Cause I need some love to heat my frozen bones

[*okay, more food*]
Get me on the boil and reduce me
To a simmering wreck with a slow kiss
To the back of my neck
Carve up my heart on a very low flame
Separate my feelings then pour them down the drain
Close my eyes and sweeten me with lies
Pierce my skin with a few well chosen words
[*a bit rough now...*]
Now you can stuff me with whatever you’ve got handy
[*Although no food this time, this is a terrible thing to say:*]
And on a cold grey day a cold grey man will do

I’m an autumn girl, flying over london
With the trees on fire it looks like home
I’m an autumn girl on the endless search for summer
Cause I need some love to heat my frozen bones

So give me something to whet my appetite
And chill my soul with a sudden lack of interest
Oh, but the winter freezes on and the candle’s burned low
[*and here we are, the big metaphor dinner is served. don't know what to say.*]
Fill me with the hot stuff then say you’ve got to go
Take my mind, marinade it in red wine
Grate my thighs with your chinny chin chin
And I will let you in
[*ending with a simple wish*]
Oh on a long dark night a long dark man might ...
written by Mattias
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"Down An August Path" måste vara en av de finaste Felt texterna.
posted by   Johann
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