The Complete Horoscope

 

It is unfortunate that Facebook forces people to follow groups that they think are, I and quote, shitty, unquote.

It is unfortunate that Facebook forces people to follow groups that they think are, I and quote, shitty, unquote.

 

Here is the complete guide to the near future. And to Miro I just want to say that I was once like you. It was with those exact sentiments that I started this shitty band.

Aries: You have the opportunity to make an important decision. Don’t do it. You will be held responsible later.

Taurus: You sick fuck.

Gemini: Today is no day for independent thinking. Let your superiors think for you.

Cancer: It is with mixed emotions you watch your neighbor being loaded into the ambulance. At least from now on there will be peace and quiet.

Leo: You are thinking of making a long journey. This would be economically disastrous, so you quickly dismiss the idea.

Virgo: Several small, seemingly insignificant mishaps slowly break your spirit over the course of the day, resulting in a fit of rage at 9 sharp.

Libra: A family feud over trifles escalates and becomes potentially life-threatening. You would be mad to give in at this point, though.

Scorpio: You’re stressed out at work and may want to spend the weekend relaxing. Careful with the alcohol, though. Remember you’re working on Monday.

Sagittarius: You’ve been spreading gossip and it’ll cost you dearly. You’ll have to reveal painful secrets of your own in order to remedy the situation.

Capricorn: You will be unusually productive today. Now would be the time to reflect upon the poor quality of your work.

Aquarius: On this very day you convert to calvinism… hmm, this can’t be right, can it?

Pisces: You’ll get a chance to change today. Remember that changes are not always for the better. They may also drastically reduce your well-being.

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