Brilliant Response to Moz Aspargus Libel post

There are not many vegetable specimens that can be aptly described as ”glorious looking”. But when Steve writes this about Morrissey’s cucumber in a comment to my attempt at Moz libel, I cannot but trust him. It must indeed have been glorious looking.

mmm well keeping this vegtable theme going what I can say is I saw his cucumber once. Indeed – I was round the back of Caird Hall in Dundee, Scotland 1991 along with 2 friends and a handful of other post-gig hangers on hoping that he would show his beautiful face.Well it was beautiful back then. We had driven 100miles to see him but had a promise of accomodation with a friend at Dundee Uni halls so had no need to rush off to drive home. We must have waited over an hour and a half in the dreich May Dundonian half light alongside his tour bus (an extravagant affair, a full sized luxury coach). In that time as our ears adjusted to more normal sound levels we excitedly studied a slow but steady stream of entourage exiting the rear doors of the venue some of whom loaded odds and sods onto said bus. Imagine our surprise when at one point out came an almost complete kitchen setup – stainless steel serving trolley on wheels with an assortment of utensils, pots and pans ontop and nestling right at the apex of those kitchen essentials was a collander, inside of which was a full pristine untouched cucumber. Yes, Morrissey’s cucumber! It made my night as I watched the great mans kitchenware loaded carefully onto the coach via the front passenger doors with his glorious looking cucumber sitting proudly ontop.Admitedly not such a libelous story. Is he a bad man? Well perhaps he had just watched This is Spinal Tap (march 1984) and fancied making an aburd rock and roll gesture? Obviously he would never admit to watching such a film but maybe Mike stuck on a pirate copy video of the film in the tour bus one night? But then there is also a great tradition (and fondness) of eccentricity in England (not sure if that affection would be equally shared by other cultures) which could have inspired his actions that day. Most seemingly irrational rock and roll ‘rider requests’ – as we can take this demand – are childish distractions for bored and spoilt minds but we know this great Mancunian could never be bored. Spoilt yes, but never bored. This was a gesture, it was myth making and it was all a bit silly. If your worthy Finnish Turnip Growers Association were insulted please pass on my apologies for all that they are worth. Sorry to say also that yes Turnips are great, nutritious even, but take no offence over here we feed them to pigs not men.

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